The past couple of weeks have been an rollercoaster of emotions and a confrontation of life & death

Thoughts of emptiness and failure crossed my mind at the same time as did freedom and happiness.

On my journey I realized that emotions are not there to be judged but to be accepted and embraced. This way we eliminate fear and find the courage to move on. Once we forgive ourselves we can start practising self love. In order to do so we often have to face the shadows.

Life will always take away human beings or things we love, break our heart; this is why it is important to learn the powerful effect of letting go. If we don't, we might desperately suffer their absence which can lead to an escape into different worlds, instead of trusting in life’s transformative nature. Only this way we create space to receive what life has prepared for our next leg of the journey. While not holding onto what had been we can cross into the following chapter worthily. Yet we tend to be trapped in a vicious cycle of memories from the past. Instead of suffering the victim role, the one that life is treating unfair, we can let go of perceptions and delusions. This might be financial security, the freedom you had of being single or how happy you were in that relationship, how people perceive yourself on mastering your life and the need to control every aspect of it and its outcome. Instead we should follow this voice in our heart, one that surely guides us the right direction.

Nevertheless not an easy process.

End of last year I was thrown into an emotional rollercoaster, but by making myself aware of the situation and its effect I was able to decide that it is time to let go of something that has enriched my life in so many ways and brought so much pleasure and heart for the past two years. Countless new friends and families were found, so many smiles and tears were shared and so much freedom and life lessons were discovered. But for now a new chapter shall be welcomed. Pain and the resulting change are part of life but one has to embrace and understand them in order to learn and grow.

We are only caretakers not owners of the Earth

More than two years ago I emerged into a new world, one of which no pictures had been drawn yet. All these new smells and smiles, these faces and hearts, those doors and knobs would soon form a deeper meaning, one that today I associate with community, warmths and home. My journey has always drawn me to these desolate places for some reason, where people live simply and in harmony with Mother Nature, deeply connected while living with all their hearts.

I listened to stories about a land that has been taken care of by our ancestors, land of the free and the brave, who they were once called. Those guardians of the Earth that are still taking care of water and soil with all their heart to transfer it to their children as it was given to them by their parents and grandparents, each generation is only taking what they need. Some of their stories left me speechless, some many made me smile, others brought me to tears. All of them, stories from people that see themselves as caretakers of the Earth, not owners. Terms which we often confuse while assuming money enables us to dictate direction and ownership over both, land and its people. Modern day colonization which often lets us forget that we are only here on this planet for a short amount of time and therefore should strive to make a positive impact. Something I have to remind myself while being back in our Western world.

I came back to a wasteful world which wraps fresh produce in plastics and places them nicely on the shelves. A world in which no-one wonders what these Ecuadorian banana farmers earn, those Peruvian chocolate farmers, the Colombian coffee farmers, the Indian dressmakers, and so on and how they are treated. All of them humans, which selflessly invited me into their homes and shared all they had despite knowing my people don't pay better wages because they prefer cheap products.

A world where I know change is happening as people like you and me do question and begin to consume more consciously.

This journey and all these encounters taught me to be present in that very moment, I learnt to find joy and happiness when I don't question what I encounter, but trust it with all my heart. While trying to calculate every split second of our lives we raise our inner fear of messing up.

But imagine letting go of that fear of control?

Easier said than done and also this journey had a couple of surprises in stall and the least expected happened in a moment that seemed so perfectly bright to this wandering soul.

End of last year I was about to continue my journey after an emotional goodbye to my parents for something I felt was about to evolve into something bigger. Something I never meant to create. For the first time in life I had the feeling that all the work paid off and the new year was steering into a wonderful direction. Five years of wandering and wondering from peaks to the oceans; life showed me all its miracles and those sparkling colours sometimes faded to darker tones, but never dark enough to overshadow that light. I was inspired and had so many ideas of wonderful projects that should fill not only my soul but also help others in need or in doubt with themselves. Nevertheless deep inside I felt I am not ready yet and I should be in a different place and stage, that there is one person I should prioritize at that moment of doubt. Myself. I knew instead of continuing with more ambition I should have slowed down the pace I was pursuing the past few years and let go of that pressure I always put on myself to strive for perfection in anything I have started while thinking about my health first.

I was tired, but so excited that I did not listen.

This dream I thought is my life was, including my identity was put upside down in a split second when I lost everything I thought that kept me on the road but my life. But what does that actually mean? Items, a career?

I felt like free falling. Realizing in all this rush of adrenalin that was running through my veins how I was too hard on myself throughout all my life. Never letting rest or failure be an option. This goes back to my childhood when noone ever told me how much worth I am, no parent, no teacher, so I tried to prove myself, always wanted more, a better version of myself. I made myself belief I have perform more than 100% in everything I do, to strive for perfection, without understanding the beauty of imperfection in terms of individuality. A pressure inside me to leave this cycle made me leave home more than 10 years ago, yet the pressure won't leave unless I had faced it.

A surreal moment of truth and reality - a confrontation with the now, the present. A slow-motion scene in a movie: Myself in the midst of in a 10 million people city. Alone? Not really. People kept on running. Life was continuing. The world kept on turning while I stood still. One glimpse of light, like an epiphany and a feel of freedom, then the mind came in including all its words and worries. No one noticed this little blonde lost soul. Colours faded, my movie turned into black and white and suddenly there was only black. Hectic breathing, no air to be found no direction to go. What had just happened? I felt lost and alone, but I realized I am alive. I began turning in circles, but where to go? What to do? I needed more air to fill my lungs, to clean my mind. Eventually the colours came back.

Deep breathing throughout my last days in Argentina. Lots of deep breathing, healthy food and laughs and tears with wonderful human beings to reevaluate what I call: The beauty of letting go.

Nevertheless I was lucky to be given the chance to continue my life which made me overthink and question its pace. Not an easy confrontation, let's call it identity crisis.

I realized there were lots of people I did not care too much about in the past and most of all my family. The past couple of weeks have strengthened our relationship more than I could have ever imagined, all through honesty and respect. Something I have always dreamed about, to be accepted for who I am. I cannot turn back the years I have missed, the struggles and pain but I can show up now. Same goes for slowing down and not pressuring myself to give 120% all the time, but embrace failure and enjoy the moment while forgiving myself and eventually support others to do the same.

Interesting that this robbery happened exactly when my body told me to stop right? Everyone I know knows that one of my strengths and errors at the same time is my continuos spirit to never give up and see the positive wherever I am and this time I strangely felt both lost and free. I decided to let go and pull a brake to listen to my body which needed a rest after all these wonderful wanders. To gather strengths to eventually see where this journey will take me. No expectations. Life is full of wonders and what a strong and beautiful connection we own. Our bodies and minds. It takes time and patience to unleash its tremendous power to really unfold and radiate.

In 1984 the World Health Organization defined health as the following:

“A state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity”

We have different needs and depending on which stage in life we are we have to find a balance especially on our emotions to keep our bodies healthy & beautiful and those amazing construction as they are. On this journey I learnt a lot about my body and the importance of keeping my mind clean while balancing eating, sleeping and working habits and diminishing stress and worry to create the foundation of a healthy body.

It is my birthday, but I hope tonight we will all celebrate today as if it was our last - plan some new adventures, bondfires, cliff jumping or like me resting and dreaming to find some peace somewhere between road tripping in a big old truck or building a house on some shore with a big garden to have a family a little in distance from this hectic society that leaves us over consumed and malnourished. In a world that seems to disconnect even further we can consciously choose connection.

What is next?

I am certain there will be more adventures eventually but for now I am practising patience while still healing my body and soul.

I am happy I found writing and photography as my medium of expression and it helped me a lot throughout the past years to process what I have experienced and I am even more thankful I found people who listen.

There will be always crisis and shadows in ones life and we should not be scared of those storms that we might be facing. In the end the secret lies in how we embrace these thin spaces and how we continue afterwards. How we stand up again with a smile and where guided by acts of love and kindness towards ourselves will make the difference in continuing our journeys. To not judge or blame myself for what was and not feel guilty is a major lesson to be understood. It will change the way we see the world. It is often exactly those moments that remind us of what we have and give gratitude for its message. Usually it is exactly those moments when we hit the ground when we remember we can get up again and say yes to life. ❤️