The Butterfly Effect

By Regina Roeder

March 30^th, 2019

Be careful what you call in girl,

it possibly might come true.

Allow your imagination to wander.

Allow space for true healing.

And I woke up in a new year within the elements and started to wonder why sadness had overshadowed a year that was full of colours and life.

Why I literarily burnt out.

I woke up after I slept for days, for years it felt. Trying to not feel the immense depths of emotions that life forced me to dive through. Waves of emotions almost drowning myself. Paralyzing me to move and think straight. Tears floating along my cheeks filling rivers of sadness. My chest was heavy, I could barely breathe as if a rock was lying on my chest.

Keep the core, your centre

I tried to remember.

Darkness was making it hard to find the switch again while the mind circling on the why this was happening. Instead of allowing the emotions to run through. To allow the waves to happen. It felt like everything I had suppressed over the years through my busyness, through my running, was coming to the surface. Overwhelmed I was trying to head back to sleep, to forget while my mind was making up stories keeping me in the loop of suffering.

While sitting straight I leant back and listened to these stories.

Again and again until my heart stepped in.

The heart wanted to live

We suffer since we do not accept the present moment. We resist to be in union with our surrounding. Our true character is tested, whenever life is

LIFE.

Yes, when life is happening differently than we thought. When we have to give up our control.

Control burns our intuition

This way we forget how it is to chase the stars and be the light. We forget our connection with everything within the universe. The butterfly effect. The ripples we create through each act and thought.

When we suffer is a wonderful moment to take an inventory, about habits and behaviors, thought patterns and addictions.

To create space, to dream & dare. To look forward not down, to be kind and loving. What ripples do I create. May I find each day pauses to observe my thoughts and patterns.

We deserve light. We deserve to watch the stars and rainbows, swim in the rivers and harvest the fruit. We deserve life. Only then we will start to feel again. Feel ourselves, our desires and wishes and therefore feel everyone surrounding ourselves including Mother Earth, while stopping to harm her.

Remembering we are part of her.

It is again another year of letting go, my friends. Of expectations. Of pain. Of what I thought I was and it is hard. Since it is all I have. My own identity. My own story.

The first series I wrote was the "Beauty of letting go" - it is still my mantra and I do find it difficult to let go. Especially when it comes to career and status. Yet everything I let go lightens the load. How serious have I become in my late twenties may I ask. And writing these words make me smile. How serious have I become about recognition? Thus letting go of a project I was very proud of is hard but inevitable. And while sitting under the full moon in Scorpio the message of my body was clear I had to let it go.

It brought me back to my childhood patterns, trying to catch recognition through my acts. a vicious cycle. It is greed, to gain love. Not a sustaining behavior. More an exhausting one.

Yet will I still be there when I let it go? I realized once we accept the present this little voice in our heads will stop talking, stop asking these questions. Only then waters will flow again. Smoothly. Like the sea. Waves rolling in and out. So do friends, so do lessons, so does money. It is a circle and we are part of it if we let it be. Once fear, greed or anger come across our minds and steer our actions it will cause an effect somewhere else. Greedy behavior in the West causes lack in the East. Exploitation of the Earth creates imbalance in the ecosystems and so forth.

How transparent am I in my actions?

I asked for nature & my intuition was clear. The jungle. Silence. Amongst monkeys, palm and fruit trees I found shelter. A place shared with the birds and the bees. Breathing. Breathing and being for days until realizing this is just the beginning of a calmer chapter of my life, an invitation to turn inwards. A true gift to choose rest, yet sometimes not so easy for the mind to break patterns. To be.

Sometimes we need to suffer to realize that there is actually no need for it. No-one else can do this for you. No-one else can turn on the light again to realize life is to be lived and every second of it. Suffer is grace as one of my teachers always says and it is true. It is a doorway to realization. Suffer allows us if we don't fall into victimhood to make changes.